I recently came across this anonymous letter. On reading these words it is obvious to me that this person is struggling with who they are and the world around them.

Even though it is unknown who this person is I want to share this article with you, as I believe it illustrates some of the struggles that someone in our lives (perhaps even yourself) may experience.

I do not know if this person is autistic or not. They may or may not be on the autism spectrum, but either way they do find it difficult to ‘fit in’ and know how to relate to others.

Perhaps you may also have similar challenges in your life.

My experience and story below may not be exactly the same as what other aspies experience, but it may begin to paint a picture of what some people with Asperger’s syndrome go thru when they find themselves around other people. This is especially true in settings where more than a few people are gathered together, such as at a sporting event, church meeting or even large family gathering.

I stand, looking around at everyone talking to each other and wondering, “Will anyone come over and talk with me?” I feel like it would be nice to be included, but at the same time I fear that someone may actually come and talk to me. How will I know what to say? Will I be able to look them in the eye as is expected? Will they see my fear and think that I am strange?

I find the noise and lights difficult to deal with. My eyes and mind get easily distracted by those typing into their smart phone, by feet tapping on the floor and other sounds and movements that most people do not even seem to notice.

The clock ticking on the wall seems so loud to me. How can everyone else just ignore it? Don’t they hear that continual tap, tap, tap of that pen tapping on the arm of the chair? I find I cannot concentrate on anything else as these constant sounds keep distracting me.

Most of all I see all of the interaction between those in the same room as me and I feel some how different. I feel like I do not fit in, that I am different in some way from those I am watching.

  • Why can’t I be like them?
  • What can I do to make myself fit in?
  • What can I do to be normal?
  • How can I make others like me?

When I finally get back home I feel both physically and emotionally exhausted. I am relieved to be back in my own familiar surroundings, but know that once again very soon I will need to leave and face the barrage of sounds, sights and people. I know that soon I will have to step out of my comfort zone and interact with others.

Each time I do this it does not seem to get easier. It continues to be difficult for me to relate, interact and connect with other humans.

I do not know if I will ever understand why I find simple things so difficult that others seem to find so easy. This is my life, my world – my world with Asperger’s.

Please leave your thoughts and comments below. I will reply and give you my feedback too.

Remember that you can make a difference in the life of someone today just by being who you are!

Many Blessings,
Justine 🙂

7 Responses to “A Letter – Why Am I Different?”

  1. Leo

    Hi I am 15 and think I may have aspergers I have taken several tests and scored 42 out of 50 on the autism spectrum quotient. I can really relate to this letter as I am very sensitive to light and sound etc.

    My parents do not think I have enough problems to be diagnosed/ aren’t particularly interested/ trying to pretend there is nothing wrong.

    However I am unsure if I have it, as although I am not very social I do have one friend of 11 years who I am able to interact with quite well although I am unable to make conversation with pretty much any of my other peers.

    Do you think I have aspergers?

    • Justine

      Hi Leo
      Are you able to ask your parents to sit down and talk? If so then you could take that opportunity to share your concerns with them. I am sure your parents love you very much and just want the very best for you.

      If that truly is not possible then is there a teacher or guidance counselor at your school that you could express your concerns to?

      This does seem to be causing you concern and hence it would be great if you could find a trustworthy adult to talk with about what is worrying you. Perhaps your family doctor may be another option?

      I pray that you find helpful answers to your questions and concerns, Leo.

      God’s blessings,
      Justine 🙂

  2. Johan Miltenburg

    I’m living in a Roman Catholic missionary community of 6 members, of six different nationalities from 2 different continents. Our language of communication is French and 4 of us are bilingual French/English, each one having moreover his own different mother tongue. With outside people we either speak French (as we do among ourselves) or the local vernacular, with varying degrees of proficiency. 15 months ago a new member (we say in French “confrère”) joint us in replacement of another, assigned elsewhere. Right from the start I was struck by the intellectual brilliancy of this new “confrère” but also displeased by his provocativeness, “fait-accomplie” strategies, indifference, extreme aggressiveness (but not without occasional apologies !), opt-out behavior, blunt refusals, aloofness, etc. 7 weeks ago I was asked to take on me the moral and religious responsibility for our bunch of “guys”. In our missionary environment I’m known as someone with many good qualities and the regretful absence of other equally useful qualities. One of these regretfully absent qualities is “leadership”. We all know that and it’s not a matter of shame since I can make fun of myself, God thank. I don’t want things go from bad to worse. I suspect an autism syndrome with our new “confrère” of 15 months ago, whom I need to protect (not paternalisticly but brotherly) utter isolation and dismissal. At the same time I need to “protect” (allow me the term !) the other confrères. One of my main worries is how to go about, searching for help and understanding, without defiling the name and reputation of this young brilliant genious of ours. Basically, I like him but even my sober person needs protection from him, one day. I suppose these few words about our “confrère” of 15 months ago, won’t sound unfamiliar to you. Thank you for your respectful consideration.

    • Justine

      Hi Johan
      You certainly are in a unique and interesting situation. 🙂

      I wish I could help you specifically. But honestly I do not know who you can turn to in your part of the world.

      What I would suggest is to search online for a website on “Aspergers” plus the country or area that you are residing in.
      Here are a couple of websites that may help you get started:

      I hope this helps a little.

      God bless you in your endeavors,
      Justine 🙂

  3. Paul

    Hi Justine,I have just read the anonymous letter on your site.I can relate to a lot of it. I’m 54,scored 33 on A S test and after a full test was told I have traits of Aspergers but not enough for a full diagnosis. I do not have the ‘repetitive’ indicators .So, after many years of not fitting in, and finally thinking some understanding of life events had surfaced, I find myself walking down a path which winds its way between two worlds.Is this it until the end? Coping, mixed with depression and social isolation {self inflicted or other wise}.My apologies for moaning.Your site has been great to find. Thank you. Paul.

    • Justine

      Hi Paul
      Thank you so much for sharing your comment. 🙂 I am sorry for my delay in replying. This has been due to some family circumstances that has kept me offline for a few weeks.

      Feeling different can certainly be difficult. If you are able to connect with a person and small group of people who understand you and accept you as you are then that truly can help in reducing the feeling of isolation. It can also help in times when you feel down.

      I hope that you feel welcome to continue to return and share how you are getting on.

      I wish you all the very best, 🙂


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